Everything I Ever Wanted to Know I Learned
at Huntsville Middle School

In Alabama, life’s lessons are usually associated with sports metaphors. Any association with “Bear” Bryant automatically implies a deep, almost spiritual, understanding of the complexities of life. The closest I ever got to the Bear was through my dad and my son; both knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that “Bear” could indeed walk on water. However, the mysteries of life were revealed to me at Huntsville Middle School.

I learned:
• The best storytellers make you laugh until either you cry or wet your pants. Alice Smith was a champion storyteller.
• No faculty meeting should last past 4pm. Otherwise, slap your purse under your arm and walk out. No one is going to stop you.
• The only thing parents really want from school is for their kids to make all A’s. Record keeping is just for show.
• Keys can be flushed, broken in the lock, and misplaced a thousand different ways even while securely attached to one’s wrist by a curly key holder. And key cards…don’t get me started!
• Sixth grade teachers cannot possibly be expected to finish the SAT in the allotted time.
• Principals need friends at school.
• Some teachers cannot tell a school system credit card from a personal one.
• The secretary is an important friend; otherwise, you will never have a sub.
• Shooting a hole in your wardrobe does not make you dangerous.
• It is wonderful for your student to become your colleague.
• Teachers knew it took a village to raise their children before Hillary Clinton.
• If the cops come to get you, do not throw yogurt in the copy room.
• Teachers make wonderful traveling companions.
• Disease can be handled with grace and dignity.
• Working a combination lock takes intensive training and at least a month of trial and error.
• Lunchroom ladies become matchmakers upon the arrival of young, male teachers.
• Spray painting a refrigerator box in the classroom is not a good idea.
• Tragedy comes to everyone.
• Walking in the gym does not promote weight loss.
• Always check your camera for film. High school reunions and cheating husbands are best captured on Kodak.
• Red nail polish can effectively stop runs in white pantyhose.
• Kids are funny. Laugh at them.
• Do not use your school computer to run a business.
• Know when it is time to leave.
• Team members who are great friends are Cancers and, thus, somewhat crabby.
• Organization is a gift. Don’t be fooled by notebooks.
• Beware of office aides who announce your gynecological results over the intercom.
• School people make the best friends.
• Some teachers require lots of attention and will go to great lengths to get it. They may scream like banshees, run through hotels with police, fall in uncovered utility holes, or leave their teeth all over Old Salem.
• Smoking in the bushes fools no one.
• Teachers and cars are a strange combination. Cars keep secret purchases, tote animal crates, look better with Cheese Nips on the seats, and may be used to trench the front yard.
• Teachers love animals. They hatch chickens, keep gerbils, attract mice, name squirrels, nurse cats, feed fish, run from wasps, and light up when they talk about their beloved pets.
• English teachers can figure bargains at Parisian’s faster than can math teachers.
• Librarians are practical and sensible.
• Grandchildren of educators are blessed.
• Students always choose neon over beige.

There is no place on earth that I would rather have spent my teaching career than Huntsville Middle School. I made life-long friends, and I am forever indebted to them for helping me raise my children, bury my mother, survive my husband, and learn the meaning of friendship.

The World of Dick and Jane

Miss Taylor taught me to read in first grade at East Clinton Elementary School. The World of Dick and Jane was the reader of choice, and I fell in love with reading. I even named my parakeet “Puff” after the cat in the book. The World of Dick and Jane opened my world.

Back then, children weren’t expected to know how to read—or know how to do much of anything—before first grade. Well, things had changed since the days of Miss Taylor, and my two little boys had to get with the program. Kindergarten was looming on the August horizon, and they had to be ready.

I decided to start with Bryan; after all, he’s the oldest and should set a good example for Tyler. I’ll admit that I had no earthly idea about how to teach reading but surely it couldn’t be that difficult. I’m great at phonics and charades.

I caught Superman flying through the house and told him in no uncertain terms that it was time for him to get serious about reading. I explained that he could go back to fighting the bad guys after he read one chapter in The World of Dick and Jane.

Bryan, aka Clark Kent, curled up beside me on the sofa and began reading “Dick” with a little phonetic prompting from his crazy aunt. Shelley wandered in as he finished and asked about his progress, to which he replied, “I can’t read Dick.”

I am now looking for my copy of Hop on Pop.