Travel Tips from the Broads

Our grand adventure to London and Paris was quite the experience. We are confident that our friends and family are waiting on pins and needles for a complete accounting of our trip. In the meantime, we decided to share some of our newly acquired, learned the hard way, knowledge of world travel. As you probably surmised, we asked a lot of questions and should have asked more.

FAQ
1. Do you have enough gas to take us all the way to the airport without stopping at two gas stations? I was more concerned about catching a few zzz’s in the front seat than filling the tank. Get in. You look like a couple of dames who will enjoy Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and pay handsomely for the thrill.
2. Does this $29 “international” phone really and truly work in Europe? There is a sucker born every minute.
3. Why do I have to pay the hotel a connection fee when my husband never answered the phone? The line connected. It’s not our fault that you left you husband with an upchucking child.
4. Is airport security really confiscating the knife and fork that I bought in London for my two-year-old? Can’t you read? Have you been on an airplane since 9-11? If you will just stop complaining, you can dump everything out of your mother’s purse, put the weapons inside, and return to check-in. This is carry-on for Pete’s sake. Americans!!
5. Why didn’t you tell me that the Concorde Hotel was twenty miles and a 20 Euro cab ride from the Concorde metro? Why didn’t you ask?
6. Do you have a menu in English? Yes. Somewhere.
7. Pigs Knuckles! You’re kidding, right? A delicacy, Madame.
8. How much is it in dollars for the mandatory 20 Euros glass of wine at the Panorama Bar? We think the view is well worth the $40 glass of table wine. And no, the bar doesn’t revolve. Please stay in your seat.
9. If the 17 ½ % service charge on the bill wasn’t the tip, what in the heck was it for then? Setting the table. Do you want mustard?
10. Is Duncan Duff, the London guide, an actor or an underwear model? Actor.
11. Why is a defibrillator at the entrance to the catacombs? You’ll see.
12. Has anyone ever tried to steal bones from here? See those four skulls and 10-12 leg bones on the table? Yesterday’s haul.
13. We can’t find the ice machine. Please have room service bring up a bucket of ice. That will be 5 Euros (about $8).
14. Is evensong at St. Paul’s Cathedral over already? You two nodded off during the prayers.
15. What do you mean I have to pay to pee? What part of this confuses you?
16. How many Euros for the metro? No idea. This is the parking garage.
17. Where is the nearest rooftop bar? We just love rooftop bars!! Harvey Nichols, Princess Diana’s favorite department store, is just the place.
18. We found Harvey Nichols, but the view is lousy? You are drinking wine and looking at a roof. Didn’t you request a rooftop bar?
19. Where are all the wonderful sidewalk restaurants? We wanted a pastry. Dunkin’ Donuts is down the street. You can sit in the window.
20. We walked in the rain from the hotel and can’t find London Bridge. Where is it? In Arizona.

The next time we plan a fun trip for broads abroad, please join us. We guarantee that you will laugh until you pee in your pants. Then you won’t have to pay the attendant!

Au revoir!
Gay and Rachel

July 9, 2008